Grief Stricken [Part 1 - Hurt, A Three Part Series]
The first of a three-part series of articles that explores the various aspects of the word “Hurt” and how it impacts the delicate balance of life and relationships
*This content may include readings, media, and discussion around topics such as depictions of grief and loss, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and mental instability. Proceed only if you are comfortable with potentially sensitive topics.
Hurt – Grief Stricken
Some hurt doesn’t announce itself. It settles quietly — in our bodies, in our memories, in the spaces where we once felt safe.
The word hurt can be a verb, a noun, and an adjective. It can describe physical pain, but it is more often used to describe emotional pain. One of the deepest forms of emotional hurt can come from grief. Humans experience grief in many forms and for many kinds of loss.
Grief can be felt when a relationship ends — through divorce or the loss of a long-term partnership. Losing a non-human family member, such as a loyal canine who has been with you since childhood, can be devastating. But the loss of a loved one can bring an indescribable pain — an unfathomable hurt from which you believe you may never recover.
Grief can also cause you to behave in ways you never imagined.
She did not see that one coming –
A recently separated couple was going through a divorce when the husband’s mother suddenly passed away. The couple had been apart for a few months, and the wife was working on moving on with her life. The husband, a Marine discharged after serving only one term, did not want the divorce but agreed to a separation, hoping it would give them both a break and that they would eventually reconcile. When the wife was notified that her mother-in-law had passed away, she immediately called her ex. She supported him through the arrangements and service while trying to maintain boundaries. During the process, the husband seemed fine. He was focused on carrying out his mother’s final wishes and handled the entire process, remaining poised and composed, as one would expect of a Marine.
A few weeks passed after his mother’s death, and the wife continued moving forward with her life. The husband, however, had a very different idea of what their future might look like.
Though they lived separately, they often found themselves at the father’s apartment, where the children stayed frequently. Each day, the husband called his wife two or three times, pleading with her to give their marriage another chance. She listened, but she always refused.
This went on for over a month.
One day, she went to the apartment to pick up the kids, and her husband cooked dinner and asked her to stay. She did not want to, but she saw the effort he had put into the meal and the look of desperation on his face, so she agreed to stay.
During the dinner, he kept mentioning how good it was to have his family back together, how things would be every night if they lived in the same house, and how he would do things differently if she gave him another chance. She realized that he was not doing well at all. She decided it would be best for her to take the children and go. She tells the kids to finish up and get their things together. The husband insists that she try again; she is now becoming alarmed.
She looked at him and immediately knew something was wrong. His eyes did not look like his own. She had never seen that expression before.
When the children entered the room with their belongings, he told them to go back and close the door.
Fear settled in quickly.
She told him she would wait in the car and moved toward the front door. Just as she reached it, she felt a sharp pain in her arm. The door slammed shut, and she was pushed into the large window by the door, catching her foot in the window dressing. She fell to the floor, struggling to get away, but he was too strong.
Her head struck the ground. He was on top of her now, pinning her down. Her head pressed into the carpet. She tasted blood.
She begged him to stop. He did not respond.
His eyes were empty — wild — as though he could not hear her at all.
The oldest child entered the room and screamed, “Stop hitting Mommy!”
Just like that, it was over.
He got up and ran out of the house. She was battered and bruised, but her wounds would heal. The children were not hurt physically, but only time will tell what impact that incident might have on them mentally.
During their time together, the couple never had any significant issues. They had gotten married right after she had finished high school. Her husband was six years older, but she felt his age would suit her. After a few years of marriage, she matured and realized that they were not a good fit. They would often argue and found themselves frequently sleeping in separate rooms, but there had never been any physical abuse.
She believes that the weight of the hurt he felt from the divorce was bringing the violent side of him to the surface, and the loss of his mother pushed him to his breaking point. The two were divorced shortly after, and she retained complete custody of the children. To this day, the husband says he does not remember what happened. He has gotten help and, to her knowledge, has never put his hands on another person.
Her mother was her best friend –
When her mother realized she was pregnant, the doctors told her that she couldn’t be pregnant and that, instead, she was going through menopause. Well, it turns out they were wrong. She was the youngest of her 11 siblings and quickly became known to her family as the surprise baby girl.
Her parents divorced later in life. They were married for over 35 years and decided to call it quits. As a result, she would be the only one of her siblings to have their mother all to herself. Their relationship was quite extraordinary, not only because of the time they spent together but also because of the complications her mother experienced during her birth. Her mother had a bad fall when she was 8 months along, which caused the baby to turn and be now in the breech position. During labor, she began to hemorrhage. The doctors advised her that they may not be able to save them both, to which her mother told them that if they had to choose, she wanted it to be noted that she wanted her baby to live. She would not be told this story until she was an adult. Her mother would live well into her eighties. She was a kind and generous person whom her friends and family adored. Even though she had lived a long and bountiful life, her death was deeply felt by many.
After her mother passes away, she feels lost, completely alone. She had a family, siblings she was close to, and many other relatives and friends, yet she felt utterly alone. She used to talk to her mother at least three times a week. When she wanted advice, she would call her mother. When something good happened, she wanted to share it with her mother. She would seek her mother’s comfort in difficult situations. They had gone on trips together. When her mother got sick, she would do everything she could to care for her. Her mother was her best friend. She tried every day to put on a brave face to focus on the well-being of her family, but inside, she was miserable.
Several months passed, and she slowly returned to a routine. The hurt was still there, but she was managing it — or so she believed.
One morning, while driving to work, she noticed flashing police lights in her rearview mirror. Motorcycles sped past her, followed by a hearse.
Her chest tightened. She struggled to breathe.
Still driving, her vision blurred. She managed to pull over to the side of the freeway and stop. Gasping for air, she reached for her phone and pressed a button.
She heard her sister calling her name.
Gradually, her heart rate slowed, and she was able to breathe again. She had experienced a panic attack — something she had never felt before.
She was so focused on holding it all in. Holding everything together, and all it took was one thing. The sight of a hearse brought all of the emotions of losing her mother to the surface. All the hurt and pain she had been feeling came rushing in at once, and it was more than her body could stand. She realized that she was not okay and that she would have to get help to deal with the loss she was going through. This time, she came through the incident unscathed, but she did not want to take a chance on it happening again. She began to see a counselor and was able to process her loss better.
Grief is a complicated form of hurt. It is deeply personal and often misunderstood — not only by those witnessing it, but also by the person experiencing it. Everyone processes grief differently, and until you experience it yourself, it is impossible to know how it will affect you.
This is true of all grief, but especially when the loss involves someone you deeply love.
Grief is not the only source of deep hurt in our lives. Sometimes, the pain does not come from loss, but from relationships that continue long after childhood ends. The level of hurt we experience is often dictated by its source. A colleague or casual friend may wound us briefly, but when the pain comes from someone we love and cherish, it is far more difficult to overcome. And when that hurt comes repeatedly, it can feel impossible to heal.
But what happens when the source of that hurt is your child?
In Part 2 of this series, Hurt – Parents, we will explore the complex and often unspoken pain parents carry when the relationship they treasure most becomes a source of ongoing emotional harm.
*While actual events inspire this story, specific names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. I do not consider myself a mental health expert or professional, nor should anything I write be taken as professional mental health advice.
National grief support organizations: National Alliance for Children's Grief (NACG); The Compassionate Friends; GriefShare
National Support for Domestic Violence
National Support for Elder Abuse
Hurt changes us. Understanding it helps us keep becoming.
